Fellowship of the Ring for Dummies
by mnemosyne23
Summary: Movieverse. A play by play of "FotR" the movie, only much, much shorter, and with far more uses of the phrase "Dagummit!" Rated PG-13 for a little language.


"Fellowship of the Ring" for Dummies  
By Mnemosyne  
  
  
Disclaimer: *le sigh* If only I could lay claim to them. Then my beloved Boromir would still be alive! But I trust the Great One - JRR knew what he was doing, even if it makes me cry every time I read/see it. *le deeper sigh*  
  
Summary: Movieverse. A play by play of the movie, but much, much shorter.  
  
A/N: Thank you SO much to all those who were kind enough to review my first LoTR fic, "King of Men." Your words were heartwarming and encouraging, and I can't thank you all enough! This is a MUCH different tone from that story, but the plot bunny was waiting on the doormat outside my apartment when I got home, and Flopsy just wouldn't leave me be until I wrote this. He's sleeping now, but he's an energetic little thing - I'm sure he'll be pestering me with more ideas soon enough. LOL! In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this foray into madness. I realize far funnier things have been written in the name of LotR, but I couldn't resist. *giggle* Please be gentle if you review. :-D Read on!  
  
Addendum: Please realize that I mean NO offense to any characters as they are portrayed in this story. Far from it! I think they're all wonderful! I tease because I love. *chortle*  
  
***********  
  
GALADRIEL: Many bad things have happened, and it's all this Ring's fault. Yes, a Ring. What? Stop laughing! Oh, shut up. Action!  
  
FRODO: Gandalf!  
GANDALF: Allo!  
BILBO: Gandalf!  
GANDALF: Yo-ho!  
BILBO: I'm not unnaturally youthful and a tad insane from the taint of an evil ring, forged millenia ago in the loathsome pit of the Dark Lord's evil mountain. Really.  
GANDALF: Um… Cool.  
  
BILBO: Poof!  
GANDALF: Bad hobbit! I thought you said the Ring wasn't controlling you?  
BILBO: I lied.  
GANDALF: Bilbo!  
BILBO: The Ring made me do it!  
  
GANDALF: Hmmm… Note to self. Visit friends more often, be more observant, destroy the evil One Ring of the Dark Lord Sauron, and smoke less weed.  
  
FRODO: THIS is the evil Ring?  
GANDALF: Yes.  
FRODO: THIS?  
GANDALF: Yes.  
FRODO: What, this little thing?  
GANDALF: Yes.  
FRODO: Are you sure? Because it's an awfully sma-  
GANDALF: Frodo?  
FRODO: Hmm?  
GANDALF: You have to go away for a while. A long while. Very FAR away.  
FRODO: I do?  
GANDALF: Yes.  
FRODO: Me?  
GANDALF: Yes.  
FRODO: Just me?  
GANDALF: Yes.  
SAM: Hey!  
GANDALF: Oh, hell. Fine, you can go too. But don't screw it up!  
  
SARUMAN: You found the One Ring?  
GANDALF: You bet! I left it with an unwitting hobbit named Frodo Baggins, who has no idea how incredibly evil it actually is, nor how much danger he's in by carrying it on his person.  
SARUMAN: Who did you say?  
GANDALF: Frodo. Frodo Baggins. Of the Shire. Hobbiton, to be exact.  
SARUMAN: *writing* Frodo you say? Could you spell that please?  
GANDALF: Certainly. F-R-O-D-O B-A-G-G… Hey, hang on a second. Why is the evil, orange, flaming Eye of Sauron infecting your pelantir?  
SARUMAN: Oh, did I forget to mention I'm evil?  
GANDALF: Well, damn.  
  
FRODO: What do you MEAN the old badger isn't here? I knew he was going senile.  
SAM: Um, Frodo? That guy with a pipe is staring at you.  
FRODO: Oh for the love… When is anyone going to realize I'm not that kind of hobbit!  
SAM: No, I mean -  
FRODO: Dammit! Pippin's being adorably clueless again.   
RING: YES! Opportunity knocks, baby!  
NAZGUL: Surf's up!  
  
ARAGORN: Who's the Ranger so slick, who's a sex machine with all the chicks?  
FRODO: Strider!  
ARAGORN: Ya daaaamn right. I'm one bad ass mother-  
SAM: Shut yo mouth!  
  
NAZGUL 1: We lost them!  
NAZGUL 2: Dammit. Does this mean no Christmas bonus?  
NAZGUL 3: Hey, there they are!  
NAZGUL 4: I winged one!   
NAZGUL 5: Ouch! The big scruffy one just set me on fire!  
NAZGUL 6: And me!  
NAZGUL 7: And me!  
NAZGUL 8: Screw the Christmas bonus. I get burned, I want dental.  
NAZGUL 9: Hell yes!  
  
ARWEN: If you want him, come and claim him! And make it fast, because I think he's melting.  
NAZGUL 1: Um…  
ARWEN: Oh, please. Wussies. Are the big, scawy Nazgul scawed of a widdle wiver? Hmmm?  
NAZGUL 2: Look, we're NOT scared of the river, all right?  
ARWEN: Then is it me? Are the big, scawy Nazgul scawed of a widdle, dainty she-elf? Hmmm?  
NAZGUL 3: That's it, boys! She's insulted our neither-living-nor-dead manhood enough! Charge!  
ARWEN: My nefarious plan unfolds!  
NAZGUL 4: Yikes! TSUNAMI!  
NAZGUL 5: I can't swim! I can't swim!   
NAZGUL 6: Mooooommyyyyyy…!  
  
ELROND: Gandalf, what in HELL were you thinking, bringing the Ring here?   
GANDALF: Well, I just ASSUMED you could help hide it.  
ELROND: Do you KNOW how many people are looking for that Ring? Hello, we're in the middle of moving, Gandalf. Rivendell is in no state for visitors! We haven't even gotten our things together for the rummage sale yet!  
GANDALF: I… well, I guess I'm sorry then, Elrond.  
ELROND: *snippily* Yes, well, they're ALWAYS sorry after the fact, aren't they? Men. Pfft!   
  
ARWEN: They say we're young and we don't know; we won't find out until we grow.  
ARAGORN: What? Who says?  
ARWEN: They say our love won't pay the rent. Before it's earned, our money's always spent.  
ARAGORN: Sweetheart, we're royalty. We're loaded.  
ARWEN: *sigh* Work with me here.  
  
ELROND: *annoyed* Now that it's here, someone has to take the Ring away.   
BOROMIR: But-   
ELROND: Shut up. Come now, who will do this? It's not hard, folks. Just a little jaunt into Mordor, kill a few orcs, dodge a few curses. Resist insanity. Mundane, really.  
BOROMIR: But-  
ELROND: Look, I said shut up.   
BOROMIR: But-!  
LEGOLAS: Have you heard NOTHING Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!  
BOROMIR: But-!!  
ARAGORN: Legolas, sit down.  
LEGOLAS: Oh, just because you're king, you think you can tell me what to do? I HAPPEN to be older than you, kiddo. I remember when young people used to respect their elders!  
ARAGORN: *warning* Legolas.  
GIMLI: *smugly* Ha!  
LEGOLAS: I feel the urge for some Dwarf kebab.  
GANDALF: Everyone shut up! I'm the oldest and wisest here -  
BOROMIR: *under breath to Aragorn* Well, he's half right.  
GANDALF: -and I say it's time we make for Mordor! Who's with me?  
ARAGORN: I am!  
LEGOLAS: *glaring at Gimli* Me too.  
GIMLI: *glaring at Legolas* Aye.  
BOROMIR: *grumbling* I suppose I must.  
SAM: I'm coming, too!  
PIPPIN: And me!  
MERRY: Me too!  
FRODO: Um… Is it too late for me to say I'll take the ring?  
  
BOROMIR: Okay, who put the old guy in charge? If someone had told me I'd be slogging through thigh-high snow, I'd have stolen the ring before we left Rivendell. I mean…erm…  
LEGOLAS: *walking daintily atop the snow* Who's slogging?  
GIMLI: *muttering* Show off.  
FRODO: I dropped the ring!  
ARAGORN: How in Valar's name did you manage THAT? Wasn't it securely on a chain around your neck?  
FRODO: Well, yes… I'm not entirely sure how it happened… But it did!  
ARAGORN: Well where is it now?  
BOROMIR: *eyes wide and ogling* Oooh, pretty… Gold and shiny…  
ARAGORN: Ah.  
  
MINES OF MORIA: We are death, destroyer of worlds.  
GANDALF: Been there, done that, bought the hauberk.  
  
BALROG: ROAR!  
GANDALF: What?!  
BALROG: *more expressively* ROAAAAR!  
GANDALF: Yes, well… If it upsets you THAT much, take a bloody Tums!  
BALROG: GROWL!  
GANDALF: No need to be so testy- I say! That's uncalled for! Draaaaaaaaaaaaaaat…!  
  
GALADRIEL: BOO!  
FRODO: ACK!  
GALADRIEL: Heh. I love that joke.  
  
BOROMIR: You know… You're not so bad, Aragorn.  
ARAGORN: Shucks.  
BOROMIR: Of course, if you get between me and protecting my people, I'll stuff my hand so far down your throat, you'll never have kids.  
ARAGORN: Well. That was…imaginative.  
  
GALADRIEL: What do you see in the mirror?  
FRODO: You're the mind reader. You tell me.  
GALADRIEL: I'm thinking…. Middle-Earth in ruins, Hobbiton enslaved, wanton death and destruction, yadda, yadda…?  
FRODO: Whooooa, you're good.  
GALADRIEL: Yeah, yeah. Who do you think taught Miss Cleo? Dionne Warwick?  
  
LEGOLAS: Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…!  
GIMLI: I hate you.  
  
BOROMIR: Gosh, that ring looks AWFULLY heavy, Frodo. Here, let me help you carry it.  
FRODO: Uh… No. No, that's all right, Boromir. I'm fine.  
BOROMIR: No, really.  
FRODO: No, REALLY.  
BOROMIR: NO, REALLY.  
FRODO: NO, REALLY, DAMMIT!  
BOROMIR: GRRR!  
FRODO: POOF!  
BOROMIR: Gyah!   
  
ARAGORN: What the….!  
LURTZ: GROWL!  
ARAGORN: Oh, great. Uber-Orcs.  
LEGOLAS: TOLD you I sensed something. But nooooo, you had to be all high and mighty and, "I'm king, so my word is laaaaaw."  
ARAGORN: Legolas?  
LEGOLAS: What?  
ARAGORN: Shut up.  
  
MERRY: Frodo! Over here!  
FRODO: No!  
PIPPIN: Why not?  
MERRY: Because you smell, Pippin.  
PIPPIN: *heartbroken* Oh…  
MERRY: *sigh* I'm just KIDDING, Pip.  
PIPPIN: *cheerful again* Hurrah!  
FRODO: Excuse me? Not to ruin your warm, tender moment, but I'm in a bit of a hurry here and need a little help?  
MERRY: What? Oh! Right! We're supposed to be the decoys, right?  
FRODO: *pause* Uh…Yeah. Yeah, that's it.  
PIPPIN: Great! *hops up* Hey! Over here! Come get us! We're halflings!  
FRODO: He's enthusiastic, isn't he?  
MERRY: Yeah, he gets really peppy when he eats lichen.  
  
BOROMIR: Ouch! *kills some orcs*  
LURTZ: Hah!  
BOROMIR: Stop shooting me! *kills more orcs*  
LURTZ: No! *shoots again*   
BOROMIR: Have you noticed you're not making any headway, even WITH the shooting? *still killing* It's a waste of good arrows. *whacking a few more*   
LURTZ: I know, but how else is a steroid-pumped orc in the prime of life supposed to get some kicks, if not by murdering heroic Men and kidnapping helpless, adorable hobbits? *fires another arrow*  
BOROMIR: Oh, I dunno. Hobbies? *cough/wheeze* Mountaineering. Landscaping. Macrame…  
  
ARAGORN: Die, orc, die!  
BOROMIR: Aragoooorn…!  
ARAGORN: Boromir! You look like hell!  
BOROMIR: Thanks. Good to know.  
ARAGORN: Lemme help you.  
BOROMIR: OUCH! Hey, cut that out. If I'm going to die, at least let me die in peace.  
ARAGORN: Sorry.  
BOROMIR: It's okay. Look, you have to do something for me. You have to make sure Gondor is safe. All right?  
ARAGORN: Gotcha.  
BOROMIR: This is important.  
ARAGORN: No worries, buddy. I'm diggity.  
BOROMIR: *pause*  
BOROMIR: That'll have to do.   
ARAGORN: Before you go, man, I just wanted you to know, you're pretty cool.  
BOROMIR: Aww…. Back at you.  
ARAGORN: Can I have your wrist cuffs?  
BOROMIR: Sure.  
  
FRODO: That's it. I'm out of here!  
SAM: Wait up!  
FRODO: Saaaaam… You're supposed to stay HERE. That's how I PLANNED it. You can't muck with the plan. I'm starting to go insane. I DON'T ADJUST WELL TO CHANGE.  
SAM: Err… Right. *splashes into river*  
FRODO: Sam! You can't swim!   
SAM: NOW he reminds me. *glup!*  
FRODO: Dagummit… *he rescues Sam*  
SAM: *gasping* Shucks, thanks, Mr. Frodo!  
FRODO: You're welcome. Okay, if we're going, we'd better go, before Legolas realizes we took the boat with all his hair care products under the seat.  
  
ARAGORN: *as Boromir goes over the falls* Sigh. *adjusts new wrist cuffs*   
LEGOLAS: Let's go! Sam and Frodo are beating us, and no way those small fry are going to win this race!  
ARAGORN: Oh, get away from the boat, Legolas. We're not going.  
LEGOLAS: *crestfallen* We're not?  
GIMLI: *also crestfallen* We're not?  
ARAGORN: No.  
LEGOLAS: So I don't get to stick pointy things in orcs?  
GIMLI: And I don't get to stick pointy things in Legolas while he sticks pointy things in orcs?  
ARAGORN: You do realize the slashy thoughts those phrases will evoke for people, don't you? And who said there'd be no killing? What, you WANT Merry and Pippin to become orc stew?  
LEGOLAS & GIMLI: No!  
ARAGORN: All right then! Off we go, boys! Let's hunt some orc! *he takes off*  
GIMLI: Yes! *takes off too*  
LEGOLAS: Um, guys…? Don't we need food, and water, and… and… Oh, hell. Screw it. I'm immortal anyway. YES! *takes off as well*  
  
FRODO: Mordor.  
SAM: Yuck.  
FRODO: No kidding.  
SAM: You know, there's a silver lining to this cloud.  
FRODO: Yeah? What's that?  
SAM: When this is all over, Rosie is SO going to love me to pieces.  
FRODO: Sam?  
SAM: Mm?  
FRODO: *smiling warmly* I'm glad you're with me.  
  
  
THE END  
  
A/N: That's that! Please don't flame. Remember what I said at the beginning - I love all these characters! If you were offended by how one of them was portrayed, I apologize, but it's all in good fun. J 


End file.
